Only Joking!

[bluehound]

A wealthy Boston Brahmin was on his deathbed. The end was near, and he asked his three business partners, a Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew, to come to the hospital to discuss some matters pertaining to his estate.
'You boys know I have no family,' he began, 'so I'm dividing my wealth among the three of you, in three equal shares. As a sign of your good friendship, however, I would like each of you to make a token gesture after I'm gone, by putting a thousand dollars into my coffin before it is lowered into the ground.'

Several days later, the funeral was conducted according to the wishes of the deceased. At the appropriate time, the Catholic friend walked up to the coffin and placed in it an envelope containing one thousand dollars. The Protestant friend came forward and did likewise. Finally, the Jew walked up to the coffin, took out the two envelopes, and replaced them with a check for three thousand dollars."



"A minister, a rabbi, and a priest were discussing how they made use of the funds in the collection plate. The minister said, 'I draw a line on the floor, and I throw the money into the air. Everything that lands to the right of the line is for God; everything on the left is for me.'
'That's pretty much what I do,' said the priest. 'But instead of a line, I draw a circle. Everything in the circle is for God; everything outside the circle I keep for myself.'
'I, too, have a system,' said the rabbi, 'I take the money and throw it up in the air, and whatever God catches He can keep."

[Paul]

A family are driving behind a refuse truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a willy like that."

Paul :-)

[Paul]

A guy walks into a lift and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your Knickers?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

Paul :-)

[Walter]

Here we go again, people filling the forum with smutty jokes. This used to be such a nice place when it used to be just for information sharing and useful tit-bits (no pun intended) about the Vendee and France.






Now that I've got that out of the way on behalf of the shy takers........................Keep it up Paul, anything that brings a smile to one's face is worth sharing :-)

See, one can be supportive to all types.

[spartacus]

what's a shite acher Walt ?

Keef

[bluehound]

I think it may be a Micky (excuse the racist pun Walt) Taker who's not had a wash for a while.......;-)

[Paul]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Paul :-)

[spartacus]

lol ! made me laugh though could struggle with some of the audience here :)

Keef

[Paul]

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase'


(Apologies for the above joke to any offended Irishmen/women, P.C.s, tree huggers, guardian readers etc., etc., ........)

Paul :-)

[Paul]

And just to bring a bit of a balance back, heres my favorite airline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VLYpKGVBUg

and NO apologies to any other miserable Yorkshire gits reading this.(wife included) OUCH!!

Paul :-)

[bluehound]

And just to bring a bit of a balance back, heres my favorite airline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VLYpKGVBUg

and NO apologies to any other miserable Yorkshire gits reading this.(wife included) OUCH!!

Paul :-)

I'm sorry Paul but I find the above posting very offensive to the many "people" that both fly and work on many of the "cheap" airlines....For they will find the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree".....:-))

PS......I've got to meet a FlyBe flight on Saturday morning at La Rochelle....I'm preparing a "Thermos" and "Doorstops" the night before....Just in case (yeh right) it's delayed.

[Paul]

B.H., I am very sorry for any offence I may have made but would appreciate it if you would, in future (if we have one), follow forum etiquette and post your complaints in a private pm to our forum administrator .

Paul :-)

[spartacus]

I thought a knife between the shoulder blades was the approved method by "The English" ? lol

Keef

[bluehound]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the
Morgue needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean(also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said,
'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought
that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the
body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, 'No, it
ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two ar* eholes.'

'What, he had two ar* eholes?!!' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two ar* eholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two Ar* eholes....'



**



Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

*

**
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large
gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.

'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For F*ck sake, it's twenty to two in the morning!!'

--
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

***************

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[Walter]

Excellent! Keep them coming :)

The pseudo-new forum had no topic headings which easily fit jokes. Does that mean that they are banned? Bring back Cromwell and his Puritan brethern!